Killings

To be honest I’m lonelier than I’d like to admit.
And my mind is a place of different lives I’ve made I wish I could live.
And no I’m not insane,
Just too alone to not think.
And when someone smiles at me it gives me a joy no one can sink.
I’m not alone in my mind.
In my mind I am held every night as I drift off to sleep.
In my mind I am everything I want to be although I know I am not in reality.
In my mind I am happy,
For in my mind I am with you,
And in my mind it’s your arms I’m falling asleep in tonight.

One short intake of breath and a thousand regrets.
Gasping now.
I can’t believe I’ve let this happen.
But as many times as I tell myself to be a better person I mess up.
Friendless and lonely, but hey what’s new?
I don’t matter.
I shouldn’t of let myself think otherwise.
So please excuse me while I sink.
Nothing matters anymore.
I won’t see you tomorrow because you don’t see me.
You need to glue my mouth shut before I mess things up further.
Sorry for existing.
I’ll try to stop now or pretend to so I don’t bother you any further.

And I don’t even know why I talk.
My words are like grains of salt, slipping through your minds.
No one cares what I have to say.
No one cares what I have tonfeel.
But who am I to say anything?
I sit here, ignoring the world acting like I don’t know anyone is here.
I turn down all attempts at conversation and get annoyed by ‘jokes’.
I hate everyone and they ignore me so why does it matter.
I’m a terrible hermit crab and they’re all just swimminh by oblivious.
I just say ‘Fuck it.’
But it’s not because I don’t care.
It’s beacause I’m afraid if I trust you, you’ll dig your blade into my back.
So I’ll sit here and complain to myself and they’ll keep living.
I’m just going to fade away anyway.

My head aches and my limbs are sore,

I just don’t want to feel anything anymore.

What I’d like is clarity.

What I’m getting is pain.

You see the truth is,

I’d rather be on my own,

Than listening to you drone

On and on about yourself

Can’t you see

I’ve lost my health?

I’m an empty shell,

Yet so full of hell.

There’s such a scorching pain,

In this hollow place.

I don’t know who I am,

SO why should I care about you?

It’s sad really,

Not being able to care,

Oh, how I wish for sympathy,

But all you’re getting is angry.

Don’t you know?

I’ve been trying to tell you.

I’m in all this pain,

But all you want it to gain.

Who cares about me?

I’m not like a flea.

I’m not persistent,

I’m such a dissident.

I don’t agree with you, but I’ll let you push me aroung.

I don’t like you,but I’ll let you believe your lies.

Because what am I,

But an eye?

To see what you point me to,

To be what your emotion makes me,

Just leave me here.

Just let me dry out.

Give me a minute.

I have a thought.

Extract me from your head

Because I’m diseased.

You already neglect me,

What’s the difference?

That’s right you can’t rely on me to feel your pain.

It’s all I’m good for.

It’s all I am.

I beg you just leave me to wither,

It’s much better than our bond.

When the fuck did my heart become yours?

And why do I let you hurt me this way?

I guess I’m just another cigarette to you.

To be used up until there’s nothing left.

To be left on the sidewalk and forgotten.

I guess I’m just another waste.

Another piece of tar to add to your lungs.

But some day it will all build up

And you won’t be able to breathe,

And I’ll be the one with the smile on their face.

Frost bites at her already freezing fingers and tears becime frozen to her face. She waited so long for this day and now it’s taken a turn for the worse. She feels like punching someone, but who can she blame? Her stomach twists and she feels sick and she can barely hold in the sob that’s building in her chest. She wants to collapse onto the sidewalk, but she keeps her stride. She’s done it again. She let him hit her and she didn’t do a thing in return. She closed her mouth and eyes and told herself she deserved it. Held her breath so she wouldn’t scream. And later she leaves after he kisses her and says he didn’t mean it. Not a tear rolled down her face as she let him talk, but like a splitting sky in a storm the minute the cold touches her face she is torn. With love and hatred and confusion she walks and who is she? She’s my best friend.

And me? I’m left to glue her back together, but I know it’s only so she can go home to get broken again. They smash her like a porcelain doll, treat her like she’s worthless. She doesn’t say a thing, just lets them ruin her and then when no one’s there she tears her skin. And as the blood flows everything is fine and as she passes out she is calm. But she wakes in the morning with a body full of cuts and curses herself for being such a failure.

Later I come to see her fake a smile. To see her drown out pain with mindless babble and she tells me she wants to go out. I wish she wouldn’t, but I know she will so I accompany her. I watch her get trashed and pull her away as with slurred speech she tells me she’s fine.

Later, again at home she’ll throw up as I hold her hair. She apoligizes to no end I keep telling her it’s okay. She starts ranting. She’s sick, she’s sick, and it’s all her fault, and I just want to scream it isn’t.

SO shall this be my poetry blog? I think yes.